Hasn’t it been a while! – It was summer the last time I posted on my personal blog and boy there has been a lot of things been going on in my life.
I do try and not say a lot of personal information on Twitter but here; I feel I can say what I want without being criticized, as it is my blog at the end of the day. So let me fill you in with what has been happening since July and then I’ll say an overview of how I feel 2014 has been to me.
I’m still in an overdraft, yes believe it or not, after doing calculations, I’m paying a heck of a lot more than I did last year in terms of accommodation and the rates for housing have spiked considerably in my area, although I’m managing to cope, it is depressing knowing that I can’t spend any money due to lack of jobs and time to actually work out of education.
My grandma is much better, the scare we had this summer has significantly got better, she’s taking her time doing daily activities, she’s managing to get on and that’s the main thing. If I lost my grandma, it would be a big shock to my system and too be honest I don’t think I could of coped, I would be literally broken. She’s defiantly got more years to go but it does make you take one step back and look at life and say, every day is a bonus, treat it’s like your last as you never know what might happen. She is my rock and my main source of family apart from my Mum and Sister.
I’ve not publically mentioned this yet as I didn’t want to say much but since June 25th, I’ve had a lifestyle change in the way I eat and exercise I’m proud to say that I’ve lost 4 stone 4 lbs (60lbs) and continue to keep losing weight. Being the type of guy that has been slightly a little bit bigger than the average guy, it’s incredibly made a life change to the way I am today, I’m much more healthier and 2015 is going to be my year in terms of me continuing to lose weight. You may ask yourself ‘Why did you do this?’ – it all started when I was in Gibraltar in June with Joelle as you do, you walk around town, go to places which in Gibraltar, you can go to Malaga which is just across the border, however I’m a relatively slow walker, and I always said to Joelle and her mum, go ahead and leave me I’ll meet you up, although I didn’t mind this, it made me feel so depressed and saddened inside, I felt insecure and alone, knowing that I’m slightly bigger than an average guy and I couldn’t keep up with them.
I’m going to be honest as well, I’ve truly had feelings for Joelle, at one stage more than a friendship way but I’ve never ever approached Joelle in a way of telling her that I liked her more as a friend because I’m an embarrassment, I’m not the fashion guy or prince charming upon who Dupple or Sol was back in the days and who she liked more than a friend way. I felt sometimes the middle guy. My mind went into meltdown and in the afternoon that day, when dinner was served, I didn’t eat a lot, her family said that I should have some more, insisting however I persisted that I was fine, I was, I wasn’t hungry, I normally drink more than eat when I’m away in a hot country.
It was at the time I was sitting on her couch, thinking how can I change myself to make me happier, I’m a loving, caring, honest and truly respectful person, I try my best for anyone and do what I can. It then clicked, a trigger finally occurred, I made the decision, I’m not happy and I need to change, so I did, after joining the gym, monitoring what I eat, training mentally and physically with myself on how my lifestyle could be so much better for me.
I reflected upon why I was a little bigger than normal, I thought why did I do this to myself? – although I’m still a little bigger than normal now, I realized what it was.. bullying, all my life I’ve had bullying, not a lot of friends believe it or not, because somehow for girls in my area that is, they like the bad boys, the boys that don’t give a damn care about anyone and for boys, because I was different and unique that I actually am a motivated and caring person, they didn’t care. Physical and emotional attacks constantly, I couldn’t get away from it, the school didn’t help, and I felt trapped in a corner. I’m glad to be away from high school now.
When I was 12, March 2008, this was the month that I was in the peak of being bullied, being escorted to the bus stop because I was physical and emotionally scared of walking home, it was that month when I started blogging, I felt more secure, I made friends online, I had an escape, this meant that food and exercise was more out of the window in a sense, I didn’t have barely any friends because they wanted to stay away as I was the kid that was getting bullied, they never stuck up for me. This meant I gained weight, I didn’t care, I was young, and I had a safe gate, I missed the chances of going out like normal kids having fun with ‘friends’ because of the bullies ruining my childhood and not allowing me to be ‘normal’.
Now that the bullying has gone and I’m now 19, being at University I reflect and hate thinking of the past; it still tears me up now knowing what they did to me. Although having true dear friends that care about me in University is amazing and the things that I missed out in when I was a kid I’m now finally experiencing, although I do wish I could have had these experiences when I was a kid.
I’m glad of what happened though, otherwise I wouldn’t of met a lot of people that I’ve met online, I would of probably just stayed being miserable, I would of probably need counseling which surprisingly I didn’t have. I’m a strong individual and I managed to cope it by myself.
In terms of Joelle, I like her as a friend and now that she has a boyfriend and she’s grown older, we’ve lost a lot of communication, things have changed, I did feel like she never cared for me as I did for her, a main reason for this is because I would emphasis something to her saying x y or z were important and she would forget/wouldn’t remember, it angered me however she says sorry, I still felt that all I was needed for in earlier days was for x y or z. She didn’t like the way I was so personal to her about my feelings, emotions, I thought that was what best friends were for, to be there for each other no matter what. She never said that she had a problem elsewise I wouldn’t of been so personal to her. Although she’ll pop up and talk to me, I feel I can’t talk to her about personal things anymore, I’ve even told her that and she has requested that I didn’t, that mentally hurt me. I felt like I was a tool more than a friend to her, although we are friends still now, I’ve still kinda lost a ‘best friend’ because I can’t be open to her. Joelle if you are reading this, you are a friend and always a friend to me, but I feel a little lost with our friendship these days.
I don’t give a damn if people will laugh at my thoughts or my feelings, I’m a human and I don’t care if you think this makes me weak, because it doesn’t and I’m proud to be who I am.
In the 1st year of University, I managed to get a 1st upper-class honours, the highest you could get, it’s a shame it didn’t count because it’s 1st year and it doesn’t get taken into your degree, I had so much stress with exams and more to come this January, but I’ve now said to my brain, why stress? – you can only do your darn best and that’s all you can do. That’s what I’m going to follow
I hope that everyone had a great Christmas season, it’s been nice to be home! I hope santa gave you what you wanted for Christmas.
This Summer I had really spoken to Maggie, Athena, Lulu, Dans and Danny a lot more, although I feel a burden ever since with Joelle (even though I didn’t do anything wrong to her), I don’t feel like I want to bother them with my presence however I truly love these 5 people as no matter what, they do care and want to be there for me no matter what. There may be others that I talk to and if there is, thank you for what you’ve done for me this year I really do appreciate it, I feel a bond between these 5 people, I feel I can relate to them, I feel that I’m not a tool to them. I love you guys and girls, I hope we can talk even more next year, if I’m not a burden to you that is. I always feel like that now because of my experience with Joelle.
Maggie – you’ve been there for me thick and thin, through crazy times in the day or night, you’ve cared, you’ve listened. Although we’ve not spoken a lot on Skype, we constantly message each other when we can and yes sometimes I don’t message/talk to you and that’s my fault, I’m not giving you any excuses, I don’t mean to do that and I’m sorry for that, I promise I won’t do this again. You are my #1 best friend that I can go to for ANYTHING, literally, you are amazing and I wish there was more people like you because you really make me smile even when the worst scenario happens to me. I love you and thank you for the fantastic memories in 2014! And I hope that 2015 will be even better for both of us! <3
Athena – we’ve had a great year, this summer was especially awesome. I really do hope and wish that we can talk more, I feel a burden to message you sometimes, I love you and thank you for everything you’ve done this year for me. I can trust you with anything I tell you and like I’ve told you there isn’t a lot of people in this world I can do that with. There needs to be more people like you! I hope 2015 can be even more ‘awesomer’ for both of us. <3
Lulu – we’ve had a fantastic year eh? – Literally it’s been awesome, so many funny times we’ve had and yes we’ve had to deal with drama and some bad times that you and I have encountered through other people but I’m glad that’s past, I know we don’t talk as much as I would like to but I hope that can change for 2015, we always have fun time when we call. You are one of a few friends that I can trust you with anything and I appreciate that so much, there isn’t many people like you and there needs to be. Thank you for a fantastic 2014 – so many good memories <3
Dans – dang Dans, where do I begin with you, you are literally (“peace”) (“salute”) best friend, literally I can talk to you for hours and you’ll actually listen and we have a great time when we call, hours of fun times – Thank you for a fantastic 2014 – so many funny memories <3
Danny – I know I don’t talk to you a lot, that’s my fault and I’m sorry but you are a great person, we’ve had talks, you listen to me and we have had some great laughs. I promise you in 2015 we’ll talk much more. Thanks for everything this year <3
Apart from the Summer, I have other people that I would wish to thank including Devin, Tech163, Robert, Monchocho, Cena12121, the Club Penguin team and several others.
Joelle - it’s been a roller coaster of a year and I just wanted to say thanks, you’ve taught me some life situations this year and although we’ve gotten older and no matter what I’ve personally felt this year, since I’ve known you, we’ve had hours of call conversations in the past and you have cared. Although we’re getting older and moving on with life I’d like to say thanks for what you’ve done in 2014. I can only hope 2015 will be even better for the both of us.
2014 – It’s been a rollercoaster of a year, a lot of negatives but yet some positives, losing weight and finding true friends. If you aren’t the 5 people mentioned above but yet have spoken to me, done something for me, been there for me or anything like that. Without you I’d be probably in a darker place and friends/people like you that actually have honesty, trust, respect and dignity then you have the upmost respect from me and that’s people who I truly care about. Thank you.
I hope 2015 will be a fantastic year; it’s a new chapter, a new leaf, and a fresh start to the year. I wish you all a Happy New Year and thank you for everything.